How to Talk About Miscarriage
Miscarriage is not uncommon and many women miscarry at least once during their childbearing years. In fact, according to the American Pregnancy Association, between 10-25% of all pregnancies end with a miscarriage. While many women are aware of their miscarriage, some women will never know that they were pregnant and experienced a pregnancy loss. It often depends on when the miscarriage happens…
FINDING THE RIGHT WORDS
Those who have experienced a miscarriage know that there is no typical way of responding to the pregnancy loss. There are a number of different responses covering a wide range of emotions. In fact, most couples are surprised at how emotional the miscarriage experience can be. When a couple has been struggling with infertility, a miscarriage is an incredibly painful experience. Well-meaning family, friends, and co-workers who have never endured a miscarriage really have no idea just how heart-breaking the experience can be; they often cannot find the right words to say to someone who has experienced it.
WHAT NOT TO SAY
The following is a list of insensitive statements that are often heard, but should never be said to someone who has had a miscarriage:
“It’s probably a good thing. Maybe there was something wrong with the fetus.”
While research data may support this in many cases, fetal health is not the only factor that can cause a miscarriage. Most people are very excited when they find out that they are pregnant, falling in love with the baby the minute a pregnancy is confirmed. In most cases, parents will welcome and dearly love their little one, even if the baby has significant health challenges. Telling someone that there must have been something wrong with the baby does not lessen the loss.
“Your eggs/sperm must not be healthy or maybe your eggs are just too old.”
Unfortunately, this remark is a common response to someone who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy. It is insensitive, inappropriate, and completely unnecessary when talking to someone who has miscarried.
“Don’t worry – you can always get pregnant again.”
You have no way of knowing whether they will get pregnant again. In fact, the couple may have been struggling with infertility. If that is the case, they will actually be very concerned that they won’t conceive again. On the other hand, if they have experienced multiple miscarriages, the issue is not about getting pregnant, it is about staying pregnant. Either way, these are not words of comfort and support.
“Well, at least you CAN get pregnant.”
Most couples do not share their struggles with infertility with others, therefore you have no idea how long they have been trying to conceive or what they have been through to get pregnant. They may have gotten pregnant quickly or they may have been trying for several years. A remark like this does not offer solace for those who have experienced such a loss.
“It must have been God’s will.”
While some people may find comfort in this statement, there are many who do not. Instead of consoling those who have experienced a miscarriage, a statement such as this one is often perceived as God must not have wanted you to have children. This statement is particularly hurtful for anyone who has experienced a miscarriage.
FIVE SIMPLE WORDS
While statements, such as the ones listed above, are usually meant to help, they are not comforting to those who have suffered a loss. It is important to remember, however, that saying nothing at all when someone tells you about their lost pregnancy can be just as hurtful. Rather than ignoring and glossing over the news or trying to give explanations as to why the pregnancy ended, keep comments straightforward and heartfelt. All it takes is five simple words – “I’m sorry for your loss” – to tell someone that you care!
If you have had recurrent miscarriages or have not been able to get pregnant, it is time to see an infertility doctor for specialized help. The experienced doctors and staff at the Center of Reproductive Medicine in southeast Texas are highly successful at determining fertility issues, developing successful treatment plans, and making family dreams come true. Call today for an appointment!
Miscarriage is not uncommon and many women miscarry at least once during their childbearing years. In fact, according to the American Pregnancy Association, between 10-25% of all pregnancies end with a miscarriage. While many women are aware of their miscarriage, some women will never know that they were pregnant and experienced a pregnancy loss. It...Read More